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marc davis

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(no subject) [Nov. 7th, 2016|12:20 am]
marc davis
Being attractive is like having good bait. I'm sure it's tiring having people you aren't interested in giving you attention and trying to get with you but i guess that becomes normal and you would feel strange without it after a spell. Like when Lindsey Bluth goes to prison to see her dad and no one is hitting on her. Bad example i know since she obviously thrives off of attention constantly. Anyways, i think the annoyance is worth having the semi-regular option to be in a relationship with a pretty large pool of people. Maybe not?

I marvel at people who are naturally within the confines of societal handsome-ness/beauty. It's insane to me and relatively far from how i see myself. Not that i think I'm hideous but not what most people are after.

Man, you could toss this post in the middle of shit from 15 years ago and couldn't tell the difference.
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Life [Oct. 21st, 2016|02:28 am]
marc davis
Being old(er) and single is hard and stupid. People are grown with their own families and kids and jobs and lives. They've built lives without me because I've been involved in my own family and now that's gone. From 3 to 1. I wish i didn't care enough.... i wish i wasn't indignant enough to not let it bother me and to patch things up. I've thought about it. Because there is love there still. But I can't. It's 2:30 and I'm here alone and the house is quiet and they aren't even moved out yet. There are still signs of both of them here. I wonder if it'll be harder or easier when those are gone...
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(no subject) [Aug. 1st, 2012|09:00 am]
marc davis
where have all of the dependable people gone?
link4 said it|say it

momjournal cont'd and then some [Feb. 10th, 2012|03:20 pm]
marc davis
my mom's birthday just passed. the same day the patriots lost the super bowl. it's kind of stupid, i know.... but i guess i was hoping the patriots would kind of win for her, you know? the thing is, everyone gave them such a hard time and shit talked them and they had dedicated their whole season to the owner's wife who died of fucking cancer. don't get me wrong, i know that wasn't the be-all end-all for everyone on the team, but it's like.... give them a break, okay? i know you don't like bill belichik, i know you hate tom brady, big deal... but these dudes are normal ol' dudes and they're all dedicating this whole season to a woman who they cared about that died. doesn't that count for something?

and so i guess i lumped my mom in there too and they lost and i instantly felt worse not just because they lost but because not only did i have to think about my mom but she didn't seem avenged, i guess. it may sound stupid, but it's how i felt. and it sucked pretty bad. the other day was also the first time i realized i can't go to my mom to ask her questions about my childhood anymore. did i have chickenpox? when? how old was i when i learned to walk? stuff i don't remember and stuff i'm pretty sure my dad doesn't know.

i have red leg again and i'm trying to get it figured out. melissa pushed me to see a doctor and has been amazing as far as taking care of me and everything. i'm pretty sure this is the worst it's ever been. i think it's the stress from the stuff with my mom and the super bowl thing and maybe arguing with melissa if we argued.

anyways, life is moving along. staying busy. wanting to play more music. i'll be playing shows in the next 3 weeks so that's exciting. glad to see some people are hopping back on lj.
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(no subject) [Dec. 17th, 2011|04:14 am]
marc davis
thanksgiving kind of hit me like a tidal wave. i felt fine and all of a sudden, i missed my mom and started crying. some days, i'll see something that will make me think of her and i'll have these flashbacks in my mind of her being sick and it's all i can do to try and remember the good times.

i'm going with melissa to her aunt's house for christmas. i feel this weird guilt. i don't care about holidays and never did anything with my mom really. i would take her out to eat and that would be that. in a weird way, i feel bad going and being a big part of this celebration because i feel like she would've wanted to be a part of that and now she can't. i feel like i've wanted to get that off my chest for a bit.

also , i know barely anyone reads this, but there is a team in my mom's name (literally: team elaine davis) that we started for the ms walk in fort myers on february 25th.

if you would like to walk, you can register on this page: https://secure3.convio.net/nmss/site/TRR?pg=tfind&fr_id=17907&fr_tm_opt=new

if you would like to DONATE and not walk, you can go and do that on this page: http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR?pg=team&fr_id=17907&team_id=266119
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(no subject) [Oct. 4th, 2011|06:54 pm]
marc davis
so my mom passed away a week ago tomorrow.

we were supposed to have a meeting after i left work to see how things were going and so i could talk to the doctor, but hospice called me earlier in the day and old me she wasn't doing well. the doctor had recommended taking her off of all of her medications except for her pain meds. i cancelled the meeting because i had a feeling the end was close. i went and visited her after work and she didn't sound good. her breathing was shallow and there was gurgling in the back of her throat. i alerted one of the nurses who called hospice and her doctor about giving her some medicine to dry up her chest. i left for a little bit because i was driving myself crazy.

i went to melissa's and i cried for a while. i told her i didn't want to see and remember my mom like this. i feel asleep as she rubbed my head and feet. when i woke up, we made plans to go out to eat after visiting my mom. she visited with a friend of my mom's while i checked to see if she was doing better. when i went in, she was on her side and still breathing the same with non gurgling, but she had spit up on herself. i wiped some off of her and said "i'll be right back. i love you." i walked out and told the nurse what i saw and found melissa while they cleaned her up. melissa left to talk to the nurse and, when she came back, told me the nurse was looking for me. that's when i was told.

melissa cried immediately. i felt a rush of numbness over my body. they finished cleaning her up and changing her sheets and then we went in to see her. the thing is for the last few months, it's been hard to tell how she's felt. she's been basically unresponsive verbally and what she had, metabolic encephalopathy, causes involuntary movements. sometimes when she could talk, i'd ask if she was in pain and she would say no. but i don't know what kind of hell she was going through. melissa thinks that when she came to, she realized she could only move her head and she was terrified by that. melissa says that she told my mom that she and jonas would take care of me. my mom sighed and smiled and looked out the window. when melissa asked if she saw something good out there, she nodded.

i was telling melissa... the thing about my mom is that there are so many facets to be sad about. she was very unhappy because her mind was so big and her body, so limited. she had so many things she wanted to do and couldn't. she was in a nursing home when she didn't want to be and she was forced to be around a bunch of other residents, many of whom weren't able to communicate. she was beginning to notice numbness creeping up her body and that, eventually, the ms would spread and leave her less able to do things herself which saddened her very, very much. there is another gentlemen with ms in coral trace who can only blink and barely talk.

but the thing that makes me saddest is that, though we knew she was ill, we weren't prepared for this to happen when it did. and i would give ANYTHING to have had one full day with her to tell me anything she wanted me to know. to call and get closure if she needed it. to pet a dog again. to try and talk me into having kids again. to tell me she loved me again. to joke with me. anything. it's not fair how sudden it was. one day, she has gastritis and she'll be okay and the next, she's unable to speak. it's not fucking fair and when i think about how unfair it is, it hurts me so badly. and it happens to so many people. i guess that's the only place where fairness shows up.

i will miss my mom terribly. i wrote somewhere that a part of me died with her. and now i will slowly fill that hole with memories and good times and the sound of her laugh echoing in my head. when we went in to see her, she was finally peaceful. no more tics. no more movement and possible suffering. just her laying there. and as melissa said, the energy in her body could finally go and be the wind theat brids flew on and the vibration that carried notes through the air. i like that.

and i'm so glad she's out there.
link4 said it|say it

who is still here? [Aug. 24th, 2011|07:46 pm]
marc davis
i'm slowly losing my mom. i guess when i look back at it, i've BEEN slowly losing her but now it's much more real and quick. she's been in and out a lot lately as far as her mind goes. she's had a large series of UTIs because they had to give her a catheter after a surgery she had on her leg. up and down. up and down. in and out of the hospital. so many antibiotics. responsive. unresponsive. cognizant. non-cognizant. she would always bounce back, though. it would be a bit of a battle to get them to bring her to the hospital, but then they would and she would get treated and feel better. i would bring her food that she loves and we would talk. and she would fall back in again and not know what was going on.

this past time, she was confused but seemed in good spirits. she spat blood up and kept bleeding from her mouth until the next morning. they thought it was from her mouth, so they sent her to the hospital so an oral surgeon could look. they later found out she had gastritis which is treatable and fine. she was talking, but sort of confused. then she became unresponsive and was sent to ICU. she has sepsis which is a blood infection. it's deadly. what's more is that now she can't talk. her first day in, she would say "hungry" or "yes" or "no." now all she can do is lay there and barely open her eyes.

and i know i shouldn't beat myself up but i can't help but think if i could have done anything. who to blame? where did things go wrong? and today when i saw here, all i could do was apologize. because i know she doesn't want to be like this. this is against everything she wanted. a feeding tube and oxygen. my strong mother being kept barely alive. not knowing if she's in there or if she can hear me tell her how much i love her and how fucking sorry i am that she is where she is. now the nurse is asking me if she has a living will or a DNR order. setting me up with some group that helps me make those decisions. it's like they've given up on her. and she'd want to give up to, but i just want to fucking refuse. she's always been so fucking strong. i just want to believe that she can beat this like she's always done before. like i'll call or walk in one day and she'll say something smart assed to me and everything will be okay at least for a while.

one of the things that really hirts is that i can't remember the last thing i said to her while i know she was completely with it. but i know i told her i love her. and she said she loves me too and i guess that's as much as i can ask for. the last day she was able to respond, i asked her to squeeze my hand and she did. and i said "you know i love you, right?" and she nodded.

i know it's so cliche, but i just wish i knew how much time i fucking had. and it's not over, i know. i plan on having her brought to cape coral hopsital if she doesn't show any improvement by friday or so. she seems to have gotten better treatment there overall (besides one nurse she had in ICU who was amazing.) but if this is it and she never comes to, i just wish i could sort everything out with her. know exactly what she wants because she deserves that. she's always deserved more than she's gotten. this just hurts so fucking much. trying not to lose it when i look into her eyes and see a shell of who she was. trying to be there for her and not knowing if she even knows i am. it all just hurts so fucking much i can't stand it.

writing this has finally made me cry and i feel a little better. i haven't cried in so goddamn fucking long and i knew this would do it. i'm so glad i can cry for my mom.
link17 said it|say it

i'm still here [Jan. 21st, 2011|06:44 pm]
marc davis
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2010|11:38 pm]
marc davis
it seems there are mini-resurgences to write more in livejournal. i think this is a swell idea. i wish i wrote more in here because facebook is so fleeting... i don't even mean that in a "fad" way. you write something, and it's gone and after a while, untraceable. here, it's much more... solid? i just think it works a lot better and is a better place for discussion. so you're wondering what i think about a livejournal resurgence?

Marc Davis likes this.
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(no subject) [Apr. 27th, 2010|08:58 pm]
marc davis
hello, livejournal!

lots of things have been going on... namely, that i'm now dating a magnificent lady. she is awesome and it's been an interesting ride to be where we are now and i think all of my close friends know about that. but it seems the air is cleared for the most part and we are both very happy. it's nice. very, very nice.

other than that, work and more work. music! been playing a lot. lge! pop pop and playing with rodney woosley, too. i would like to do something where i play something not drums again. hopefully going to write more exploding pages stuff at some point, too. good shit.
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